so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
