my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize