Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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