Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
