I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
