I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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