my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
