the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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