Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
