The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
