Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So vagazzling was a success
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
