theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
