This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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