Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
