If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
