I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
