i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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