kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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