Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
