you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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