my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
