i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
