Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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