when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
