I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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