I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize