We named our party play list daddy issues
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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