my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
