Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
