If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
