went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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