i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
