I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize