I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
