I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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