i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
