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My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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