god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
