We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
