I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
