a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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