I cannot find my penis.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
