i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
