I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
