Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
