God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
