U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
