Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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