i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
