I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
