Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
