Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
