just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize