video games are the ultimate cock blocker
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
