Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
