in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
