peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
my liver is dry heaving
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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