so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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