With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
