Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
