I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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