i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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