He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
