when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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