She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
