if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm sobbing to NWA
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
