I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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