Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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